The following article appeared on DyingEarth.com in December 2004.
Paula Dempsey, alias Mystic Moo, predicts your gaming future.
Whether Shoggoth, Cugel or Orc, we roleplayers are born under different stars to normal folk – discover you RPG star sign and learn your fate.
Orcs 21 March – 20 April
Your pathetic attempt to convince the rest of your gaming group that you are the hard man of the zodiac falls flat this month as Mars, your ruling planet, enters the constellation of Throw Rug Major. Guess it will take more than rolling a critical on the dragon killing table and nabbing that last bit of pizza when no-one’s looking. Lucky gem dice color for this month: hot pink.
Gurps 21 April – 21 May
Your essentially mutable nature is especially active this month, and you may feel the need to experiment with different identities. This could involve dabbling with Vampire: The Masquerade but if you carry out the appropriate occult rituals (or just roll 3D6) you might be OK. Either way, avoid muskrats. Lucky gem dice color for this month: anything but black.
Shoggoth 22 May – 21 June
Don’t you think it’s about time you stopped being squamous and issuing vague and eldritch threats? Everyone’s well bored with you and you’re not going to get a date that way – let’s be honest, slime smells. Jupiter, bringer of jollity, enters your sign this month and gives you permission to lighten up. The stars are right for bowling or maybe inviting your friends round for tea and scones. Lucky gem dice color for this month: slime green, but sparkly slime green.
Frodo 22 June – 22 July
Having the Moon as your ruling planet can cause periods of vagueness and you spend much of this month searching for something. If you don’t know what it is, don’t ask me. What do you think I am, bleedin’ psychic? Wear furry slippers for extra luck on the 25th. Lucky gem dice color for this month: gold.
Werewolf 23 July – 22 August
You should be reassured that while the Moon does not appear in your horoscope this month, Mercury, the planet of intelligence and communication, does. This encourages you to be more outgoing. Why don’t you use your toothbrush, dog-breath, then call in to your local games store and buy something. That is, if you aren’t still barred for biting that tasty new assistant on your last visit. Lucky gem dice color for this month: tawny.
Cugel 23 August – 23 September [Dates edited to ensure that the Editor is a Cugel]
Well, aren’t you just the charmer of the zodiac? You’re a silver-tongued rogue at the best of times, but with Venus in your house of partnerships you’re unstoppable. Take care, though, or your flirtatious nature could lead to a nasty run in with a jealous rival on the 4th. Probably best to avoid sexually frustrated doxies, but consider giving your mobile number to any lonely astrologers. Lucky gem dice color for this month: what else but red, tiger?
Ninja 24 September – 23 October What are you doing here? That’s the trouble with you Ninjas, always hiding your light under a bushel. With Jupiter entering your sign this month, you need to be big bold and brash. So drop the little black number and go for stilettos and lamé. Beware of rival clans on the 12th, a sharpened kitten heel can do a lot of damage to your new hairdo. Lucky gem dice colour for this month: be proud, be loud, be bold, go gold!
Vampire 24 October – 22 November
Halloween falls into your sign and you love all that spooky stuff, don’t you? Unfortunately Uranus, the planet of surprise and change, enters your sign this month and wreaks havoc. You feel the need to wear a Burberry check shell suit and skip your regular goth club night in favour of taking your nan to bingo. Lucky gem dice color for this month: black, to remind you what you’re missing.
Dork 23 November – 21 December
Born in the depths of winter and with Saturn, the planet of discipline and restraint, in your house of public life it’s no wonder you don’t get out much. In fact, it’s just as well as everyone hates you. So indulge yourself this month. Buy a packet of Rich Tea from the Co-op on your way home from the laundrette on the 16th. Lucky gem dice color for this month: pale blue, then at least you’ll have one thing that looks cool.
Ranger – 22 December – 20 January
Yours is the sign of spiritual growth and deep intellect. Many rangers express themselves by wandering in wild countryside and indulging in rural pursuits such as hunting and not washing. This month is a good time to do that, but ensure that disruption caused by the Sun, that mischievous planet of vitality and personality, doesn’t cause you to go completely over the top. Consider eschewing blood sports in favor of more sedate activities. Maybe you could take an evening class in vegetarian cookery? And put that elf down… I said, put that ****in’ elf down… Lucky gem dice color for this month: green. You could use the camouflage.
Traveller – 20 January – 19 February
Neptune brings the gift of intuition and fantasy into your sign this month. Time to visualize what you want and use the power of positive thinking to make it yours. Your imagination is so keen on the 17th that you are able to design a whole new set of deck plans for a Starcruiser Series 20 without breaking into a sweat. And your intuition is strong enough for you to know exactly when to accidentally on purpose drop your dice on the floor and have another go. Lucky gem dice color for this month: cosmic purple.
Cthulhu 20 February – 20 March
You think the stars are right? Oh no, this is bad. This is very bad. OK, don’t go out, don’t even attempt to surface from the deep and please, please don’t listen to any rituals, even if they are elegantly worded by erudite chaos wizards. Most importantly, stay away from me and my hamster. I mean it… Lucky gem dice color for this month: that yellow one in the corner has an elder sign on it. Suggest you pick it up.