Santa Claus Is Coming For You

Bottom Line Up Front: Santa Claus is Dracula.

Oh, you want proof? Let’s briefly look at the life of St. Nicholas. (Start with Earth, says Ken. Start with Wikipedia, says I.) Nicholas of Myra, aka Nicholas the Wonderworker – and, as we all know, Dracula was a sorcerer as well as a vampire. He was ordained a priest (drinking the holy blood of Christ!) as a young man. There were many tales of his generosity and holiness, some of which are suspiciously vampiric, such as:

• He rescued three brides(!) from being forced into prostitution by climbing in their windows at night(!) and delivering dowries of gold. History does not relate whether or not he climbed down the wall head-first like a lizard. He was caught by the father of the third bride, but Nicholas compelled him not to tell anyone about this act of ‘generosity’.
• On a visit to the Holy Land, he quelled a storm with nothing more than a verbal command. Definitely not Dracula.
• He also resurrected three children from a butcher who had murdered them, pickled them and intended to sell them as pork. Again, definitely not Dracula, and definitely not a Dracula who was caught murdering children and pinned the blame on a convenient scapegoat.
• He cut down a “demon-possessed” tree – which might have been a convenient way to remove, say, a source of magic stakes.

He also allegedly punched Arius at the Council of Nicea, but making that into a pro-Dracula argument is left as an exercise for the reader.

Furthermore, there’s considerable debate over the disposition of his remains. Saint Nick was interred first on an island near his home town of Patara (surrounded by running water), but his remains were moved back to his old bishopric of Myra – where his coffin started miraculous exuding sweet-smelling rosewater that was sold as a cure-all.  Later, in 1087 AD, the Greek Christians of Myra were conquered by Seljuk Turks, and the remains were, ah, enthusiastically relocated (looted!) by Italian adventurers. The saint’s relics ended up in Bari in Italy; other fragments show up in Venice, Normandy, Constantinople, and Russia (even Ireland) – almost as if someone were seeding bits of native earth around the power centres of Europe (and also Ireland). Then, of course, Vlad Dracul pops up fighting Turks in Transylvania, and the rest is secret history.

So, we’ve established beyond a shadow of a doubt that the historical Saint Nicholas is Dracula. But how do we get from there to Santa Claus? Some points:

• We first encounter Dracula in the novel driving a coach-and-horses. It’s a small jump from that to a sleigh.
• We know Dracula’s sensitive to dates; he talks about St. George’s Day (St. Andrew’s in Unredacted). And while there’s an entry in Unredacted about the 25^th of December, Dracula’s absent that day – he gives Harker the job of writing the three letters on December 24^th, suggesting he wants to keep his guest busy while he’s away.
• Who knows who’s been naughty or nice? Maaaaybe it’s the mind-reading vampire.
• Santa goes down chimneys; Dracula turns to mist.
• Dracula has his two silent servants; Santa has elves. QED.

Why might Dracula dedicate one night per year bringing gifts to good boys and girls? Maybe it’s a magical penance of sorts, some sort of arcane rebalancing. Or it could be part of some larger, more sinister plot – a whole army of child vampires, serving not the Bloofer Lady, but Merry Old Santa. Or maybe it’s all about being invited in – Dracula can’t cross your threshold, but leave out milk and cookies and it’s taken as de facto permission. Red clothes hide bloodstains, and a white beard goes well with the white moustache that Harker described.

But be of good cheer! This is an excellent opportunity for your Agents to strike at their most fearsome foe while he’s exposed and vulnerable. A flying sleigh can be taken down by a surface-to-air missile (Preparedness + MOS or a Military Science spend or a suitable Contact means a Stinger launcher on your shoulder and coal in your stocking), or the Agents could lie in wait behind the Christmas tree, egg-nog in one hand and stakes in the other. Alternatively, maybe Christmas is the time to take out those Conspiracy node without fear of Vampyramid blowback…