The following article appeared on DyingEarth.com in January 2005. You can find December 2004’s horoscope here.
Paula Dempsey, alias Mystic Moo, predicts your gaming future.
Whether Shoggoth, Cugel or Orc, we roleplayers are born under different stars to normal folk – discover you RPG star sign and learn your fate.
Welcome to 2005! We at Moo Mansion have used the stars to guide our New Year’s Resolutions. Let Mystic Moo put you on the astral path to a successful New Year!
Orcs 21 March – 20 April
Your resolution is the same this year as last year and the year before and the year before that… You want to hit more things, more often, harder and with nastier weapons. This is laudable and should go down a treat at your gaming group but probably not in your local pet shop. I suggest you stick with what you know. Resolutions to improve in other ways are doomed to failure.
Gurps 21 April – 21 May
Gurps are the shapeshifters of the zodiac. One minute 23rd century starship trooper, the next Victorian gentleman or sexy elf. You find it easy to make resolutions, but these are frequently scuppered by the irritating Gurps trait of actually forgetting who you are. Faced with a double mega choccie doughnut with sprinkles you say to yourself “I’m on a diet, but Augustus Hobbit isn’t”. Unfortunately, it’s not Augustus who piles on the pounds. Bless you for the power of your imagination.
Shoggoth 22 May – 21 June
Any Shoggoths with an interest in Chinese astrology (so that’s not many, then) will know that the Chinese New Year next month marks the start of the Year of the Rooster, with the element of wood. Wood Rooster years are characterised by their peacefulness. That’s you ****ed. Your resolution for this year should probably be world domination by around the 31st January. After that you have no option but to lay low. Thank heavens.
Frodo 22 June – 22 July
You have resolved to travel this year. This is a positive step as travel broadens the mind and too much time in the Shire fosters a small-town mentality. Frodos really are the wanderers of the zodiac, but having Venus in your house of travel does mean you let romantic views of foreign climes cloud your judgement. Picking up trinkets on your journey could lead to unexpected problems. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. Have fun, take companions, buy maps and travel insurance.
Werewolf 23 July – 22 August
You are the only sign in the RPG zodiac that should resolve NOT to change. Nuff said.
Cugel 23 August – 23 September
Cugels have all resolved to be even more charming this year. This is bad. A New Year’s resolution should be about change, not just the same old same old. Plus, if you get any more smarmy you’ll start to slime like the Shoggoths. Why not resolve to do something useful for a change? My lawn needs mowing…
Ninja 24 September – 23 October
Pluto is in the part of your horoscope which governs how you appear to other people and will stay there for at least the first six months of 2005. You will absorb Pluto’s mysterious essence and become even more secretive and, well, downright sneaky. You’ll be lucky to keep any resolutions past the beginning of February and partners of Ninjas should watch out for those soundless glides to the kitchen at 4am for a sausage sarnie or that surreptitious ciggie in the back garden. While you’re out there, could you just check that Cugel is getting on with the mowing?
Dork 24 October – 22 November
If ever a sign was in need of self-improvement it’s the Dorks. The problem is you just know you’re already perfect. Your computer confirms it every morning and your mum thinks you’re lovely. Resolve to make small lifestyle changes this year. Maybe wear a tie without egg stains to work on Mondays, try salad instead of McDonald’s once a month, read one book that’s not by Piers Anthony, that kind of thing. Good luck. You’ll need it.
Vampire 23 November – 21 December
You’re the sign most in touch with your mystic side, partly because only coming out during the hours of darkness means you see the stars more than the rest of us. The stars advise you to curb your ambition and wake up and smell the coffee this year. Resolve to get up a bit earlier, maybe. A bright light in the sky in early January awakens your preternatural senses and forms the basis of your new religious cult. Red faces all round in February when you find out it’s the top of a new cellphone transmitter.
Ranger – 22 December – 20 January
Because they are so in tune with nature, Rangers tend to be sensitive to changes in the seasons and are in virtual hibernation at this time of year, only venturing out bear-like on sunny days to stock up on pizzas and other essentials. New Year’s resolutions are beyond your torpid brain, so don’t worry too much. You could resolve to use newfangled devices like electric light and central heating, maybe. Or just stay under the duvet until Spring. That sounds good, actually. Room for two?
Traveller – 20 January – 19 February
Travellers are the kings of positive thinking. Any task or action you set yourself this year will be achieved. You’re an inspiration to us all. This is how you do it and manage to piss off hard-working astrologers at the same time. You simply visualise hopping into that there Series 20 Starcruiser and heading off to another part of the galaxy where the stars align to signify success. I suggest you add to your list of resolutions one about being so darn smug.
Burrows 20 February – 20 March
An error in a 16th century Italian astrological tome has been corrected. The sign formerly known as Cthulhu has now been redrawn as a giant rabbit entering her burrow. Former Cthulhus will count this a successful year if they come to terms with this fact. Some tips for you: resolve to do less sleeping, less dreaming and beat that craving for eldritch incantations with some of that gum you can only get from pharmacies. The attributes of your star sign will make you more active, a little jumpy and inordinately fond of lettuce. 2005 bodes well for dieters, then.