Things have been a bit quiet in the cowshed of late. Saturn’s doing something peculiar which has plunged all of us, cows included, into recession. The bottom’s fallen out of the bovine prognostications market so I’ve been forced to take a part time job in Tesco’s to make ends meet. It’s not all bad news though; the recession has had little effect on Hamish’s shortbread business as even in these dark days the English like a nice biscuit.
Marigold’s been off up Glastonbury Tor on some kind of workshop. She swans back in, chiffon scarves flying, cow bell clanking fit to wake the dead. “Moo”, says she “We must get ready for the Moo Age!”.
I peer at her over my tea cup. “Marigold, we’ve been getting ready for the New Age for years. You sell overpriced incense and home-made dream catchers to gullible heifers from here to Timbuctoo on your website and I’m an astrologer, for heaven’s sake. How much more New Age can it get around here?”.
Marigold puts on her patient face and pulls up a custard cream. “No, you dozy Moo, it’s the Moo Age. The age of cows… OK, you know this 2012 thing?”
“On the 21st of December next year we’ll either have a cosmic cataclysm or a spiritual shift so profound that we may not notice it for many years – that 2012 thing?”
“Exactly! Well, Hathor, our workshop leader, says that 2012 will be the dawn of the Moo Age. Cows are on the ascendant. We shall arise and overthrow our human overlords! The milk shall inherit the Earth!”
She’s frothing a bit. “Hold on, old duck,” I remonstrate. “We’ve been down this particular cart-track before. I seem to remember you were a bit of a Moo-llenianlist at one time. And you do realise that Hathor is really called Daisy and about as Egyptian as I am?”
“This is different, though, Moo. The Moo Age is true! The Moo Age is coming!”
So, prepare for the Udder Uprising, December 2012. You heard it here first. Until then, here’s what’s really going to happen for you gaming types next year:
Ranger 22 December – 20 January
In tune with the rhythms of Mother Earth, you have no truck with all this New Age nonsense. So why are you reading this then? Anyway, for Rangers this 2012 will be pretty much the same as last year and the year before that. Enjoy. Take long walks in the countryside, eat organic, brush the dog, do the garden; all the good stuff. And as you’re so in tune with nature you don’t need reminding that cows like the odd bottle of Harvey’s Bristol Cream.
Your 2012 mantra – The more things change, the more they stay the same.
Traveller 21 January – 19 February
With all that flitting between timezones, have you even noticed that it’s December? You like to keep on the move as much as possible, but the stars predict that 2012 will be a slow year. Staying at home may be your safest option as any travel will be stressful. Expect delays at spaceports, teleport malfunctions, traffic jams and you’ll probably lose your passport on 13th July. Now, would you get predictions that precise from any other cow? I think not.
Your 2012 mantra – There’s no place like home, Toto.
Burrows 20 February – 20 March
The most psychic sign of the roleplaying zodiac, Burrows are well placed to intuit any change way before it happens. Being one bunny-hop ahead for the whole of next year gives you a rare feeling of superiority. Any Burrows engaged in New Age activities (that’s probably most of you) will prosper, either spiritually or financially from their endeavours. By the summer you’ll start to get an inkling of the nature of the cosmic shift. You will then either buy a new windchime or charter a spaceship.
Your 2012 mantra – I can see for miles and miles and miles…
Orcs 21 March – 20 April
Orcs will find the incoming gentler 2012 energy especially irksome. Your challenge is to adapt to change without losing your unique, erm, Orcness. Choose something you enjoy and take a different approach, such as hitting things as part of a medieval reenactment group rather than thumping that bloke outside the Black Lion on a Friday night.
As the year moves on and the energy intensifies, Orcs may start to feel confused. They could go shopping for Troll Bash 3 and come back with My Little Pelgrane for Xbox. Don’t worry, once we get into 2013 these energies will stabilise and you’ll feel more like yourself.
Your 2012 mantra – Keep the receipt.
Gurps 21 April – 21 May
This is the year you’ve been waiting for your whole life. No, it is really. Change is the Gurps’ middle name and you will adapt far more quickly than the other signs. Why wait until next December? Start now! Impress your gaming group by trying a radical makeover – swap your tee shirt and jeans combo for a smart business suit or maybe a doublet and hose. This could be the time to try those indie games you’ve heard about – how about a teen dating game instead of a dungeon bash? And it is so time to cosplay! How would you like to be a raccoon for the day? Or ooze sopistication in a custom-made cow outfit? Be as outrageous as you want to be; eventually the rest of the world will catch up.
Your 2012 mantra – 2012 is so last year!
Shoggoth 22 May – 21 June
Shoggoths may already be taking a close personal interest in the darker predictions associated with 2012. Imminent global cataclysm is what Shoggoths like best but if they haven’t initiated it they’re well hacked off. Shoggoths are likely to take rather an academic approach to all of this, which may involve breaking into private occult libraries to pore over tomes of prophecies hidden for centuries. You don’t tend to find this sort of stuff amongst the John Grishams in your local bookworm basement for some reason. Be warned that such behaviour is illegal and line up someone responsible to bail you out if required. Once you’ve assessed the opposition – Mayan deities, biblical codes and all that – you can plan your strategy accordingly.
Your 2012 mantra – I will think before I act. But I will act, oh yes.
Frodo 22 June – 22 July
Take care of yourself this year, little Frodo. Your fear of coming catastrophe may cause you to behave irrationally, so please remember to take any 2012 predictions with a whole bucket-load of salt (except the Mystic Moo ones, obviously). If you want to save the world perhaps you could volunteer at your local animal charity or sell flags for distressed gentle-cows? Anything rather than set forth on some half-baked quest to single-handedly bring peace and love to the whole planet. Remember, it could go 50/50; the universe may well do this for you without you even having to put down your cocoa.
Your 2012 mantra – I am manifesting change in the world (but only a bit).
Werewolf 23 July – 22 August
Werewolves are uniquely in touch with planet Earth’s lunar cycles and intuitively pick up cues from nature. Your persona mirrors the phases of our nearest neighbour perfectly. At certain times you become a ravening, blood-drenched killing machine, at others you are warm, fuzzy and delightfully psychic. Draw on your psychic side this year and pay attention to what your ruling planet, the Moon, tells you. Explore new philosophies. Think about becoming vegetarian. OK, maybe not. Perhaps you could take up astrology? Marigold has some useful books on her website.
Your 2012 mantra – I am in touch with my higher were-self.
Cugel 23 August – 23 September
This 2012 stuff, it’s all nonsense isn’t it? I mean, it’s not like the sun’s about to go out. Your agile mind tells you that there must be an angle here that a Cugel can turn to his or her advantage. Find that, and the financial rewards are great. But I don’t know how you’ll be able to live with yourself. Frankly, people like you put me right off my fodder. Ahem, excuse moo. To summarise, the greatest event in human conciousness ever is at hand and you’ll be the one selling the tickets.
Your 2012 mantra – Recession? What Recession?
Ninja 24 September – 23 October
You tend to take a low-key approach to life, getting on with things quietly and not seeking attention. Given the career choices Ninjas make, that’s no bad thing. Due to Uranus’ return to your sign in mid-November, you will feel the cosmic energy shift far more deeply than the rest of the Gaming Zodiac. Depending on the quality of what hits us next December you could undergo a complete personality change, suddenly becoming outgoing and inclined to throw parties even when you don’t have assassination in mind. Or you could throw off your physical form completely and become a being of pure light. If you do, please come to our cowshed. The farmer turns everything off at 8pm and we’d like to read.
Your 2012 mantra – I prepare myself for total transformation.
Dork 24 October – 22 November
Cataclysms happen to Dorks every day. Buffy ended. There will be no more Sandman comics. But you keep calm and carry on, secure in the knowledge that as one David Tennant closes a new Matt Smith opens. If you only had one spiritual bone in your entire body you would realise how completely you are in sync with the universe’s endless cycle of life, death and rebirth. But never mind. I predict a new series of Big Bang Theory in early 2013.
Your 2012 mantra – I am in a safe place.
Vampire 23 November – 21 December
Your lust for immortality may feel somewhat compromised by predictions of global catastrophe. Chill. There are many predictions for 2012 and not all of them are bad. Your problem is that Vampires tend to see the dark side of any situation but you might feel brighter after Jupiter brings joviality to your house of relationships just in time for the spring equinox. Try and get out and enjoy yourself, even if it’s only going down The Corpse and Raven for a swift half of a Friday night.
Your 2012 mantra – There is light at the end of the tunnel.